March 29, 2011

I know it sounds completely stupid, but sometimes I catch myself thinking, I wish I looked like this, or I wish I looked like that. 

I’ve been clean four months now. And something I have yet to find is a sense of self-esteem. I see girls getting whistled at here and there. And when I’m there, rationally thinking it through, I contemplate in my head why I’m not good enough to be whistled at as well. 

So for all of you girls out there, and guys, that compare yourselves constantly, listen to this: 

You are who you are. In your own little way, you are absolutely perfect. True, you are not everybody’s type. But nonetheless, you are perfect. You are beautiful. And just because people may look at you, and look right past you, as if you are not good enough, the only thing that matters is that you have your own sense of self. That in your own mind, you rationalize it through. Don’t for a moment let it wreck your self-esteem. Think instead- I am beautiful. I am me. And that’s all I’m supposed to be. 

I’m not trying to be anything I’m not. And I may not seem perfect, but there’s beauty in that too. I’m sick and tired of fighting these thoughts in my head. I love me just the way I am. I don’t need to spend an hour in front of the mirror perfecting myself. I feel comfortable enough rolling out of bed, and tending to my daily activities just like that. 

Anyone can look like a doll. But not everybody is willing to put forth the time and effort. So to those of you, who constantly feel invisible. You’re not. I see you. And so does everybody else. And to all you, who wish you could be perfect. Don’t wish any longer. You already are. 

I remember when I wasn’t clean, I never felt this way. I always had the “fuck it” personality. I represented not caring. And the minute I felt rejected, I downed another can of beer, or smoked another joint. That’s how I dealt with it. And I’ve finally learned to say “fuck it” without any of that. 

So, fuck it. 

March 13, 2011

I’m lost in my own fucking head. I’ve numbed myself from human emotion with this fucking medication and sobriety. The three days I leave my medication at home, like the insane woman I was, I lose my head. I’m shedding tears atop tears. And I have no idea where they came from, or why they’re coming. I miss when I could just pack a bowl and forget about it. Just laugh at the simplicity of the world. But all I see is complicated.

The past few days I’ve been around too much fucking honesty. And I’m not in the mood for anyone to tell me their harsh opinions on me. I have no fucking idea who I am. Don’t pretend you have any idea.

/rant

March 6, 2011

There’s so much to say, but the words don’t come. 

February 26, 2011
-

Dear tumblr,

My apologies for not being on and posting for a while. I thought I’d start posting again. And give an update first. During the past few months, I was put into the hospital for suicide attempts. They drew blood samples, and let me just put it simply, it wasn’t fun. When I finally got out, my life was a living hell. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist, and my mom is doing blood tests. I’ve been seeing a drug counselor, and I’m up to almost three months clean. I’m taking antidepressants, but to no avail. Nothing seems to be working. And without my drugs, I almost feel like I have no idea who I am. MY interest in everything is gone.

For that reason, I haven’t been posting. I realize it’s been a long time, and writing was one of the things I pushed away. So bear with me, while I start my search again.

-Shiva

November 30, 2010

You know what I don’t get? 

In every movie, there are two lovers destined to be together. But they only find this out, when they see the person they love with someone else. That someone else, always loves them. But that love, isn’t the same the person shares with the one they are destined for.

At the end of each one of these movies, everyone always leaves overjoyed. Hopeful for love. Have they all neglected, the hopeless lover? The one who fell in love with someone, who didn’t love him/her back? The one who had to watch as the person they loved, reached a height of love they could never have with this person, with someone else. How do we all neglect that? 

That’s the person I am right now. And I don’t know where my place stands in these movies. Does this mean I’m destined to be hopelessly in love forever? 

November 30, 2010

The world is a mixture of all different sorts of people. Most concern themselves strictly with the opinions their peers’ hold of them, and disregard whatever positive things they see in themselves. For this reason, confidence has become a major issue in many young adults. I believe that the now decreasing age for serious relationships can be attributed solely to the rising rate of self-esteem issues. If I were to take the world as it is in present day America, and share with the rest of society my personal beliefs, I feel that maybe there would be a brighter future for the following generations.

In my opinion, we are to blame for the mess we have created. Compared to how the world ran, communicated, and interacted, in the generations past, our generation has nothing but disappointment to share. Not only have we stuck our snouts in the air, and refused to put forth effort for furthering friendships and meeting new people, but we have used our arrogance as a way to feed to the true opposite emotions our brains feed us internally on a daily basis. The hypocrisy buried in the thread of our personalities, the so called progress we have made, is a direct result of our tendency to idealize the impossible perfection of a human being. In reality though, a human beings’ perfection lies only in imperfection. For nothing in life is perfect, and imperfection, being what sets each individual apart, becomes the sole factor to the qualities we hold.

I feel that when I take the time to look at the world around me, and try to discover the personalities each person holds, the only emotion I can feel, is longing. Longing for the past. Longing for a sort of connection with someone, on a more emotional level. Longing and understanding. Inside each person, I see dull repetition. Personalities cloned, and repeated. Trapped in bodies that take forms of different faces and body structures. Inside each of us, is one person. One desire, to assimilate. For this reason, I feel longing. Assimilation has stripped each individual of our very core. It has stripped of us our right to make our own decisions. But perhaps the term stripped would be an improper usage, because we knowingly gave up that freedom we had when we decided that the act of conforming and molding into society’s standards is one worthy of praise.

Traditional culture is inversely just accepting individuals’ lack of self-acceptance. In a twisted way, we are only allowing and praising the alteration of our pure selves, to fit whatever is “hip” in the present day. What does that say about the world in which we live? Nothing positive, that’s a fact. In a world where acrylic nails and bleached blonde hair, caked makeup and inch long heels, skin and bones and lack of food, are seen as valuable, where lies the room for personal improvement? Improvement of the soul, rather than that of our exteriors. When will we learn to accept ourselves the way God intended us to be? To accept what was given to us, and realize that the way we were built, is perfect in its very own way.

Instead, we stick ourselves under knives and blades, and undergo traumatic experiences and pain, just to become someone that we hope to be. And in that person, still we see no confidence. If I were to share with the world one thing, I would teach the world how to love. To love each other, to love themselves, to love everything in life. To be accepting, to be forgiving, to be welcoming, and to be open to new opportunities and different insights. Only through broadening our social groups and through broadening our knowledge on how the world around us runs, may we truly begin to appreciate the life we have so instinctively taken for granted. Through this, we may find our joy, and our place in the world. Through this, we have hope for leaving a lasting impression on the rest of society.

November 29, 2010
College Applications (essay number 2)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Pride is a term I would use to describe the intellectual and emotional development I have attained over the course of the past few months. In a society where each individual is praised for blending in, I believe my greatest personal quality is my ability to go beyond the accepted paradigm. With each (occurrence?) or (synonym for occurrence?), results a varying spectrum of perspectives, typically ranging on a scale from commonplace and ordinary to atypical. In today’s society, the atypical perspective can fall into a category which connotes a negative meaning. As a high school student, I feel this category is the one in which I lie.

In a culture where it is customary for teens to spend the majority of their time obsessing over vanity and superficiality, I have struggled trying to find a sense of belonging in the present community with which I find myself surrounded by most of the day. Due to my unconventional perspectives on most presentable topics, I find little value behind the opinions my peers have chosen to hold. To me, life holds more than the aforementioned.

This quality to see beyond what the rest of society has so easily accepted could be seen as both a gift and a curse. I can say with confidence now, that my goals and values are far more evolved than most of my peers (average?). I feel as though I would be able to further develop into a person worth becoming in an environment that feeds to my personal qualities such as that of which your school provides. 

November 28, 2010

apparently i was cheated on lied to and used for a year. apparently i was never loved by the only person i loved. and i was only an object for his mere pleasure. just his “guilty confession.”

definitely NEEDED to hear that. 

November 27, 2010
College Applications (essay number 1)

Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

PLEASE give me feedback. It exceeds the word count, but I’m working on substance right now.


In a chemical equation, assorted raw chemicals are added together. This first segment is called a reactant. The purpose this equation holds is to combine, and properly balance to form a product. Like a chemical equation, who I am now is a direct result of the world I came from and the imbalances I faced in my life. With these unalterable inputs at hand, I went forth in hopes of finding some balance and stability in my life.

My equation, up until June of 2010, is what many would consider perfect; already balanced. My life was simple, and easy to maintain. But, like everything seemingly perfect in life, my equation diverted to another route in this month, throwing my life into a scattered disaster.

Raised in Irvine, California, a fortunate girl spent sixteen years of her life blessed with a perfectly functionable family, several friends, and knowledge acquired through steadily improving grades. On June 26th, 2010, however, life decided to throw something unimaginable at her. As she sat perched on the cold tiles, peering over the staircase, she overheard her parents, whom she had seen as happily married for twenty-five years, discussing a divorce.

Finally, after six months of uncertainty, it was time to say goodbye to anything perfect. With two days notice, she packed her life into brown boxes, and watched eyes full of tears, as her life was shipped elsewhere.

Arriving then, in Calabasas, California, all stability poured out of her every pore, as her life instead took on the role of instability. With no friends, little money, and tension coming from her now weak and unemployed mother, her chemicals changed, as who she dreamed to be, became only a distant vision. In technical terms, all future difficulties this girl was to face, could be attributed to this one spark of emotions. But technicality didn’t lie in her equation from this point forth.

A transferring senior, her chemical equation at this point, consisted of a positive five charge vulnerability. She spent her days alone, seeking answers, from a world that refused to share any. For in life, she soon saw, no answers. Forcing herself into isolation, she began spending her days writing. Personal stories soon turned into reflections on the life of any individual. In these moments, she could envision herself piecing together, forming who she would become in the future. Here, entered another chemical, desire. With a charge of negative five, perfect to balance out the prior chemical, it was apparent through her now decreasing academic grades, there was a passion missing in her life. Torn between the wishes her parents and the rest of society placed on her, she went forth, selfishly taking into consideration only herself.

In academics, she saw a clear route. Clarity though, led to the paths of everyone else before her. Conformity was something missing in her equation. Grades slipped, not because she suddenly lost all prior knowledge, but rather because she saw no hope in them. Trapped in a world where following her own path was seen as rebellion, she struggled trying to make out the dull images of her future. But in each passing day, she was racing with time. Grades lost importance, as individuality gained importance. Though, she was finally building some stability in her life, this was seen to those around her, as stupidity. What the rest of society neglected to see, was that school was a test of following directions, and listening. Both of which, she wasn’t interested in doing. Instead, she spent this time pondering her own quest. And in this, she soon learned knowledge was on a different plane from wisdom.

Somewhere down this path, the conclusion was drawn, that in order to make her impression on the rest of the world, some experience was necessary. And this is where, this essay falls into place. Though it may appear that my narrative on this girl, does not quite qualify me as a suitable candidate, I will not beg to differ. It is seen by many, that in order to be a perfect candidate, one must have all positive qualities. But in myself, I choose to disagree. My equation, though having taken a while to balance, is for the time being, balanced. And in this balance of both good and bad, lies strength in the individual I am. For this reason, I have chosen to not take the road most travelled (allusion), but instead create one of my own. This is not my attempt to impress, but rather my attempt to describe and lay forth the person I am. And in all my purity, I will take joy through both acceptance and rejection.

November 25, 2010

I met someone yesterday. I guess you could say- he was my type? Not to mention, he’s an amazing kisser. I’d say we hit it off great. Only downside, quite big actually, he has a girlfriend. I sort of knew before because a friend set us up. But either way, I gave him my phone number. 

I don’t know, if he saw me as just a hook up? Because from what I gathered, I’d say, he was into me also. But where does his girlfriend lie in this? I don’t know if I’m supposed to call him, or talk to him. Maybe wait for him. Either way- he’s oh so adorable. 

MMmmmmmm. 

November 22, 2010

Shivering in my car. Aka my home for the next few days. Whoop. I’m scared!

November 22, 2010

It all seems so surreal now. I look at him, at the photo. All I see is a stranger. Someone I dreamed I once had. I feel like I dreamt our whole relationship. I can’t seem to feel his touch. To relive those moments. I’m convinced they never happened. Our relationship was just a figment of my imagination. You never loved me. You never will. But I will always love you. And that is my curse. 

November 22, 2010

Rollin a jGonna find somethin’ to do..

November 22, 2010

Okay..I feel like I’m seriously dying right now..

November 22, 2010
It doesn’t kill me inside or anything to see my ex making out with someone? 
This isn’t even the girl he just broke up with. It’s another girl. 

Oh look: another photo
http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs1266.snc4/157671_1128018829_6633961_n.jpg
FUCKYOU ALL 

It doesn’t kill me inside or anything to see my ex making out with someone? 

This isn’t even the girl he just broke up with. It’s another girl. 

Oh look: another photo

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs1266.snc4/157671_1128018829_6633961_n.jpg

FUCKYOU ALL 

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